sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
