When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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