Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
A bitchslap is in order.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
