seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
