last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
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I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
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New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.