i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.