I bet he comes in French.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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