i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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