is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
