I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
