My room smells like vodka and shame
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
