after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
