I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
