i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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