It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
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But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
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An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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