So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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