I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
