if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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