he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
