i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
