his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.