i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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