You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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