Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
