Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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