not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
