my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Even my vagina gasped.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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