I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
