hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
