There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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