You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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