You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
