I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
