I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
His nipple licking is glorious
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