I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
