there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
