I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
