Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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