I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
