Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
