I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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