the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
