I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
