Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
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