If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
