had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
