Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
vagina is talking i cant
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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