haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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