You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
