My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
