theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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