What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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